Thursday, July 5, 2012

Steel Batallion Heavy Armor Review - Part II

Full Disclosure: This review only covers the tutorial - or most of it, anyway.

If you're looking for profanity, you sure as fucking shit will get a cocksucking assload of it if you purchase Steel Battalion Heavy Armor. If you're looking for a Kinect game whose tutorial features any sort of accurate motion tracking, coherency, or fun, go buy something better, like E.T. for Atari 2600.

I tried, I really did. I know my Kinect works and I know games that boast good motion tracking function just fine. Kinect Adventures, that Disneyland game (which, in my defense, came free with my Kinect), and Child of Eden work really well. Dance Central 2 also seems to work well, according to my children.

But SBHA? Ha! Here are my experiences with the tutorial.

You're introduced to your squadmates after an introduction about some sort of war or something. Now you pilot "vertical tanks," or mechs, as the rest of the world calls them. Everyone in your squad is required to say "fuck" or something similar at least every other sentence, or they will all die.

You play this game sometimes via Kinect and sometimes with the Xbox 360 gamepad, which works out about as gracefully as it sounds like it should. After you realize that walking around on the ground and trying to do stuff like shake people's hands is almost impossible, you get into a vertical tank to discover the true meaning of frustration.

This game's tutorial is so frustrating, it's akin to honest to goodness suffering. You control the motion and weaponry of the tank with the controller, but most of its other functions by moving your arms and hoping for the best. For instance, at random intervals during the tutorial, you're told to grasp levers (like the one that makes the tank go faster - but you don't want it to go faster all the time, because, well, because), open panels to grasp more levers, push buttons, flip switches, and so on.

The odds of you performing the appropriate action, even if you really try to mimic the motion shown on screen, are about 5 to 1. At best. Most of the time, you'd have a better chance to do what you're told to simply by flailing your arms and doing monkey dances than actually trying.

After about twenty minutes, I turned the console off. I hate myself for trying to get it to work for that long. If you think I'll review the rest of the game, then stay tuned for Part III...but don't wait too long.

I award Steel Battalion Heavy Armor's tutorial:

3 shitfucks out of 10! Good luck with that!

This is one of the rare cases that even Gamespot's review can be trusted. The world may truly end in 2012.

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