Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Game Character Deathmatch: Wolverine Versus Batman

Okay, since I'm waiting for Windows 7 to do some boring stuff to my wife's computer, here's another game character brawl.

This time we're looking at the Batman: Arkham Asylum version of the Dark Knight versus the X-Men Origins: Wolverine version of Logan. Break it down:

Batman has no superhuman abilities, but he's probably the most physically fit normal-human superhero since Arnold Schwarzenegger discovered horse steroids. Bruce Wayne has an infinite amount of money, seemingly, to gussy himself up with armor and gizmos designed for fighting crime without killing all involved--which makes one wonder whether Bill Gates or the odd Arabian oil baron doesn't swing from rooftops and throw metal boomerangs at muggers. I guess if I had Bruce Wayne money, I'd get even fatter and hurl fistfulls of hundred dollar bills at everyone around me until I owned the world and much of the Milky Way galaxy, but that's just me.

Moving on, Logan is a brutal berserker who doesn't have all that much money, but he does have a few mutant powers. He can heal wounds in minutes, he has the senses of a canine, and, as we all learned in one of the crappiest superhero movies to be released in years, his bones and his mighty, retractable claws are laced with indestructible adamantium, which doesn't drink or smoke (but Wolverine does both). It should be noted that Wolverine doesn't have superhuman strength or anything like that, but he's probably almost as physically fit as Batman.

I think the big factor in the deathmatch between Bruce and Logan is that Bruce is the cliché gay name. Or not. The biggest factor is that Batman tends not to kill, but instead locks bad guys up in places from which they can easily escape and terrorize Gotham City again within a few hours after capture. Wolverine, meanwhile, would much rather shred villains into bite sized chunks than capture them. Facing Batman, Wolverine would gladly chop off the Dark Knight's stupid pointy ears--along with the rest of his head--and be on his way.

Batman can fight. He'd likely throw all kinds of contraptions from his Utility Belt (capitalized on purpose) at Wolverine, which Wolverine would eat. Come on, a "batarang?" Even if it scored a hit, Logan would heal up by the time he closed the distance and plowed his claws through Batman's precious armor and reduced the Caped Crusader to a fine, red mist. Then, just to be thorough, Wolverine would blow up Wayne Mansion, cave in the Batcave, and joy ride the Batmobile around town until he picked up a few chicks.

I'm giving this match to Wolvie. Sorry, Batfans, but unless Brucie found a way to fly away and go into hiding, instead of just gliding around like a kite on a calm day, he wouldn't stand a chance against an angry Logan.

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