Monday, November 4, 2013

Three Games You Ought to Have Purchased...

...and Why You Still Should

Everyone makes mistakes.

Pictured: Not me. (Source:
WikiMedia Commons)
Geez, I screw up all the time. Once, when I was, like, 17 years old and very drunk, I got home at 3:30 in the morning. With my beer-induced ninja skills, I decided to proceed silently into my bedroom, without
disturbing so much as a carpet fiber. I can do that when I'm drunk.

As I made my way up the stairs, I realized they were creaking in a very unninjalike manner, so I tried the old trick where you go up one side, as far to the side as you can, of the staircase. Steps supposedly don't creak as much when you tiptoe like that.

Under cover of darkness, silent as a still winter's night, I lifted my foot, and, with ancient Asian precision and wisdom, I lost my balance, stepped on my dog's squeaky toy, screamed because the sudden noise startled me, and fell backward down the three-or-so steps I'd masterfully ascended.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Bat Defeated By Bugs

Is Batman: Arkham Origins the buggiest game since Battlecruiser 3000AD?


Normally, bats eat bugs. In this case, a massive swarm has devoured a bat. Bugs, bugs and more bugs have crashed, crushed, and utterly destroyed Gotham City's only hope; the mighty Batman has fallen.

In case you've been hiding in a bat-filled cave under a mansion for the past few years, dig this. Batman: Arkham Origins is the third game in the Arkham franchise. The first two titles, Arkham Asylum and Arkham City, were both absolutely fantastic. Like the Dark Knight trilogy, however, the third time's anything but the charm: Part Three appears to have unraveled worse than that sweater from the Weezer song.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Why GTA V is Bad for Gaming

How can something so good that it knocks all of its competition off its continent somehow be bad for its industry?

Note: For this piece, I'm going to and assume the reader likes Grand Theft Auto V as much as the critics and, oh, well, pretty much everyone besides the pedantic complainers do. If you do not enjoy GTA V, you might as well stop reading right now. You won't agree with any of this, and you'll likely post a vitriolic comment about how I'm full of shit. I'll keep any thought-provoking comments up, even if they're in disagreement with this paragraph or anything else contained within this column, but pointless attacks will be deleted.

Bear with me. I'm going to bury this lede so deep, it would take a team of editors with their own excavation crew about four months to even find it. Before I say a word about the topic at hand, I'm going to talk about Superman II. If, somehow, you haven't seen Superman II, you should know that, in the following paragraphs, I'm going to spoil the shit out of the whole film. Read on, if you dare.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Check Out My First Semi-Pro Work in Years!

More than two long years have passed since I've written a professional word. Now I'm (sorta) back in the saddle!

The Corsair Vengeance M65, a decent FPS mouse!
Being saddled with a disability really blows. In case you didn't know, the reason I haven't written professionally in more than two years is an extremely painful case of cauda equina, a syndrome caused by three herniated lumbar discs in my spine which team up to kindly offer force upon me spinal stenosis

I'm collecting Social Security Disability, but I'm allowed to earn a bit of money - under a certain cap. Therefore, I've contacted my old and wonderful friend Michael Brown, over at PC World, and he threw me a bone. That's right: I'm back in the real world reviewing stuff!

Take a look at my mouse roundup on PC World! Then, tell your friends about it! Tweet it, retweet it, Facebook it, Google+ it, and otherwise spread the word. Durham is not just an amateur dweeb anymore: He's a kinda-sorta professional dweeb!

Monday, April 29, 2013

A Buncha Stuff

I've got some shit on my mind. Batten down, hold on tight to something heavy, and prepare for a messy brain dump.

Good music.
  • I like bullet points. Well, mostly. They suck in PowerPoint presentations, especially really dry ones during which the presenter does nothing but read them to you. Presenters like that should be shot before they reach the third slide.
  • The new album from The Indelicates is incredible. In fact, it's possibly the band's very best work. Packed with emotion, sometimes aggressive and sometimes tender, Diseases of England should be recognized as the art it truly is. Okay, yeah, there is a song called "Pubes," and it is about pubic hair on the internet, but The Indelicates are, well, not very delicate. Buy it now, tell your friends, and request songs from it on good, indie-friendly radio stations.